New house shoes

So, for a while I was thinking about getting new house shoes for a while. My old ones looked like dead animals on my feet. So I threw them away. When I say "away" I mean I threw them "somewhere". Hell probably at someone. Anyway, one Friday night I decided to get crazy and walk the mean streets of Santa Monica to look for a pair of nice house shoes. I ended up at Whole Foods half a block away and came home with some sort of chewing stuff. "FOOD" I think some say. I had a 9:30 a.m. soccer game the next day, so I went to bed early. Suprise suprise.

As I woke at the butt-crack of dawn at 8a.m., I felt great. I had breakfast, which was a banana, wheat grass, vitamins and a chicken burrito from Whole Foods the night before. I had my protien and vitamins roaring. I was good to go. As I showed up to the game just in time for the whistle to start the game, in which I was going to surely score like, 20 something goals, I sprinted onto the field like a bottle rocket. Turf hurts when you bite it while in full sprint. FAIL. So after the game that I actually did NOT score 20 something goals in, I started feeling a little off. My stomach was cramping I thought. So I came home, and drank water while reading SCAR TISSUE. I felt a little sick, then GOT sick. I tried to chalk it up to playing a full game of soccer with a burrito for breakfast, and not the deadly condition I have. Oh yeah...I should menttion that. It's called "Pancreatits". It's HORRIBLE. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Not even Satan himself. Ok, I'm lying. I hope he has it. And to tell you the truth, I don't know what I would trade, between the "Cluster Headaches" I get, which are migraines x30 that come 4 times a day for about two months straight every year, or the Pancreatits. Yup. I have them both. So feel better about yourself. Anywho...

I got sick. I then started to read my book in bed as I started to feel a little better. A few hours later, my phone rang. It was a friend wanting to have lunch. I got up and out I went in full soccer uniform. I felt fine, we were talking, and then half way through, I felt it. My body shutting down, then my stomach hurting to the point I was motionless. We left quickly. I laid on the couch, as he took a crap in my bathroom. I knew what was in store for me. It went out one end from him, and was leaving through the mouth for me. You do the math. Fantastic. He got done, and I ran in. I was getting an attack. Getting very very sick. No relief. As some hours past, I had gotten sick about 6 or 7 times, (by mouth, shaking violently, sweating, almost in shock actually) with the worst pain you could have LITTERALY, and walked the S.O.S. walk out into the living room to my roomates. They were going to look at a bike. I detoured the trip and I asked to hitch a ride to the E.R. Thank GOD they were home.

So we get to the E.R. they just opened down the street. I remember seeing that and, for well, I guess this reason, I felt a sense of great joy seeing EMERGENCY in huge letters so close to home a few weeks ago. (this is where things get interesting) I am doubled over in pain that worsens by the minute. Going almost blind and starting to feel the color drain from my face. I tell the crap-douche my info and I sign the papers. I have a seat with my roomates. Then asked to go into the back to get my vitals. "Ahhh...I'm saved from pure torment..." SIKE. They took my vitals and made me go back into the "waiting area". I told my roomates they could leave. I knew what I was in for. Near death all kidding aside. This was like saying my goodbyes...again. Close to getting called out of the pool. Pretty big deal you can say, if life is your cup of tea. This was going to be a loooong night and it wasn't my first rodeo. This was E.R. trip number 3 so far. The last one was the Saturday before. Like clockwork! Awesome! So I let them go. As at least 20 minutes go by, and I was moaning out loud and rolling in pain, litterally starting to go numb, in a stupid ugly blue seat, like you'd see in the D.M.V., the guy comes over and says, "sir, make room for the new people coming in please. Go into the other room." What? ME? MWAHH?? The guy that looks like he's in the worst conition than anyone in the emergency room right now?? And who are all these new people? I'm sorry, I didn't know the hospital had freaking happy hour! So, being the nice dying guy I am, I walk around the corner like a crippled ewok into the "other room", which was a pane of glass separating my old seat from my new one, which was not an upgrade. After snagging a few peeps at people making thier way into my "new room" and seeing them stare at me and just wait outside of it, my self confidence shot through the roof...like a pig laying in mud. Sleeping. In a coma. Not breathing. Already bacon. FINALLY, after what seemed like 3 days, they came and got me. They set me on the bed as I was moaning in agony. I could see the light. I was going to get medical care and feel better. NOPE. Some selfish lady decided to have heart failure. The nurse said "oh, just sit tight, we have a patient who needs tending to." I thought, B**CH are you blind, deaf AND smoking crack??!! You mean the lady trying to be funny behind the curtain that's separating us? I can hear her. Ya'll can hear me. Who can formulate words and who can't? ME. I CAN'T you idiot! This is not my speaking voice. I don't speak like Chewbacca normally. Maybe I didn't clear that up in magic waiting station land with the stupid ass three-stripe buddy boy art work placed on the walls for people to take thier minds off of things and go blind looking at. So, the girl comes back, she gives me an i.v. then an i.v of this wonderful stuff called...say it with me kids..."Dilaudid". Or "Dope". Whichever is easier. I told her how much it would take for me. I knew what I was in for. As she walked away not listening and probably thinking of her childhood, I felt the dope enter my system, but was still in pain. That's when you know life is going to suck for a little bit longer. As I moaned and moaned, rolled around, shaking, twitching and going numb all over, listening to the old lady talk and talk beside me, they gave her at least 62 different meds. Being human and operating my brain once or twice, I knew what was coming. Sure enough...she started blowing chunks. What do you think is going to happen to a 4,000 year old lady when that happeneds? First thing she's talking about furniture, second thing her head is in a bag. The Golden Girls aren't real. It's a T.V. show. She's not invincible. Quit giving her so much!!

Anywho, so another hot nurse comes in. Again, I'm feeling like a real stud. I tell her what the deal is. She injects an entire bottle of dope into my veins. I ask her "How much are you...doing tonight after I get done?" (I think were my exact words.) VOILA!! BAM! From zero to ten in seconds. I was feeling no pain and hitting on a nurse that was looking at me like a science experiment. Ahhh...back to good ole me. She then hands me a remote. She says it's to a T.V. I opened thine eyes and sawith...a huge flat screen T.V. just for me!!! I hit the power and was off to the races trying to find sports center. The lady was still throwing up beside me, so I turned the volume up loud enough to drowned her out. THEN everything was cool. After about 30 min, the doc came in. Gave me a script for meds and sent me home. I ended up on a street corner LOADED out of my mind. I'm pretty sure I was looking for the pharmacy and tried to get my prescriptions filled at Baja Fresh. I'm sure of it. All I knew is that I was at a Baja Fresh. Called the roomies, interrupted thier dinner to pick me up, and headed to a 24 hour pharmacy. 24 hours!! We get there, and they wait in the car. A guy tried to make small talk at the DROP-OFF counter. I stated it wasn't the SMALL-TALK counter. Idiot. So after I get that taken care of, they said 20 min. I found myself drinking a Coke I evidently just opened and sat at a picnic display in the middle of the CVS store. I saw a display of toy cars that looked real and lost interest in the lame patio wanna be set up. As soon as I was having fun with those, this guy with a mohawk and everything pierced was talking to me about headaches. I could relate. We talked about Excedrin for a good while, then my poor roomates came in. They decided to go shopping. I would too. Maybe I did go shopping and just left the stuff all over the store for all I know. Anyway, got the stuff, came home, took some meds and conked out.

Long story short, the next day I felt drainned but ok. I could eat solid foods which was a huge suprise. (Usually you can't for a few days)I sent my G.I. a copy of my cat scan from when I went to the ER in Nashville 2 years earlier. He calles and ask, "So, when did you get shot?" I froze. What???????? Then I remembered the ER doc in Nashvegas asking and my parents looking at me for an answer. You'd think they AND I would know the answer to that. So my doc here, again, asks, "So, you were never shot? You didn't get shot in the past? Ever?" I was baffled again. Evidently a FREAKING BULLET, or something metal looking like a bullet had gotten into me without me knowing. It wasn't ingested, it is lodged in between organs. It HAD to have pierced the skin. I HAD to have gotten shot. But, um, I've never been shot by anything other than a rubber band, and maybe a freaking COMET. So yeah, that's a mystery we are working on at the present time. Like tomorrow. I'm what you call "A HOUSE episode."

So I make an apointment to get a CT. I get there 30 min early as I usually like to be early. It's usually a good thing. I walk in, see a hot blonde, grab my paper work and sit...you guessed it. 8.3 inches away from her. As I got done, I handed my paper work in. She had boots on and so did I. DING! DING! Conversation starter! As I turned, and the letter "I" rolled off my lips, for the wonderful ice breaker "I like your boots", the nurse comes over to me with 6 freaking styrofoam cups and says, "ok so here's the mixture for your proceedure. It taste like Crystal light, but not as good. Drink one every 10 min and if you need to go to the bathroom it's right across the hall. Do you need to go to the bathroom?" "NO." I said. As I sat starring at my sippy cup WITH straw, I just kinda gave up on the girl. My tail was tucked. So I said **** it, I do have to go freakin "pee pee". So I went. Came back, she was gone. I chugged those things down hoping they had elephant tranq's in them so I could just drop to the floor, and leave when it was all over with and not remember anything. Not the case. As I was called into the Lost hatch, I was told to put this gown on. I came out with my head through a sleeve and my butt hanging out. The nurse took it off, and fixed it infront of the doctors and all of the patients. As I felt thier gaze upon me, as if I was a lost child, I went into my happy place and entered the Lost hatch even deeper. Jack, Desmond, John Lock, Freckles, Alex, Hurley...none of them were there. It was just me and the nurse. I call her nurse "other". She placed me on the bed and said I didn't look comfortable. So she situated me. (cue the Butt-head laugh) As she put a needle in my arm, she said it was "Iodine" and I was going to feel VERY warm. (great!! just in time for the nuclear cloud from Japan to hit L.A. and I'm gonna be loaded chalk full of the stuff every one is racing out to buy!!) So she is holding my hand. All the sudden...WWHHHHOOSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!! WOW!!! It hit me like a wave! "Is this heroin??" I asked. She saind, "No, and now you know what it's like for a women to have a hot flash." I laughed. She did not. She explained menopause and night sweats for women. I went back to ME land. Then, as she was holding my hand, she saind, "ok, NOW you're going to feel this in your groin area." Then she let go of my hand quickly. I know now why she let go. WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! I may now be addicted to Iodine.

So, as I get in my car 2.5 hours later, I have my ticket validated and on my way out. The guy says "tree doyers" I said "what is that?" He pointed to the sign that said $3.00 I was half an hour early, and it bit me in the end. 30 min over. I had my ATM card. He said "cash or jeck". I said man, c'mon. Really? He said, "There's an AT&T across de street" I gripped the wheel, and asked, "an AT&T"? He replies..."jess". I looked forward and asked if he meant ATM. He knoded and said "jes. AT&T across street". I'M NOT CHANGING MY PHONE PLAN DUMBASS, AND I'M HAPPY WITH MY BRAND NEW ONE. YOU ****ING CROTCH LICE. I parked, got out and walked all over Wilshire Blvd. There was no way in hell there was an ATM or an AT&T. I went back, and he then proceeded to guide me to what he called across the street, which was actually 4 steps away from him, in a secret tunnel, to a secret door, with a secret ATM in it. To my knowlege there was no AT&T in this magical hallway that had nothing BUT an ATM in it. Then some boards or something. As I came back to him with a $20, he gave me change and said thanks. As I took my change in slow motion, I could just feel the back of his head with my fist as it penetrated his face and broke through his brian. I got in my car, sat in 5:00 on the dot rush hour traffic, and just stared at other people. Wondering what their day was like. Wondering if they knew what iodine was, wondering why they can't drive worth a sh*t, wondering if I should've taken Santa Monica Blvd, wondering why my arm hurt...oh yeah...there's a freaking stretcher taped to it. So, anyway, I went to the grocery store. It was pleasant to my suprise. (5 stars Vons. Thanks.) Got to my car, and discovered that not only was the lady just sleeping in her car next to me, she was living in it. Guess what I did without noticing...peered at all of her stuff through the windows and almost took a pic. Then I got into my car. I was backing out, and noticed an old lady behind my car talking on the phone standing still. I said out loud, "get the f**k ouuta tha way!" I guess she heard me. She looked at me then got the f**k outta tha way. OOPS. I guess a window was down. (WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND OLD LADIES IN MY WAY!!??) Oh well, I was off to home sweet home. I pull in, get ALL 6 bags of groceries around my arm about to shut my trunk, as my roomate is coming around the corner to leave. I had to put them all back, and move my car. We talked and I moved it. I wasn't upset. I was glad to see him and talk to him. As I moved, I see this Mercades roll in. I pressed the gas and went toward it. He reved his engine and I just kept moving toward him until he backed up. My car is way sh**tier...I'll hit you. Then I get out, and load my arms up with groceries. (Mind you it looks like a pillow is taped to my arm still.) They guy in the car was my neighbor. His girl asked if I needed help. What a nice girl. We got into the elevator and she noticed my necklace. Guess what it was...A BULLET. She said she had a bullet necklace too, but it was a used bullet. "OH REALLY" I said. "Wanna hear a funny story about a BULLET!!??" As I told them the magic bullet story, the elevator doors opened. We talked of me starting a rap album, called "David Blane Gang Bang".

FINALLY, I get to my door, and into my kitchen while wondering what they must be thinking after hearing that a bullet magically appeared in my abdomen. Then I forgot all about it as I grabbed the huge steak I bought myself. Then the britta pitcher top came off in mid our, water everywhere, and curse words flying as I repented to God after every 6 words. As I was eating my burnt steak, I decided to kick my boots off, YES, real cowboy boots, and enjoy some more flat screen television action NOT in a hospital bed with an old woman divided by only a curtain talking about stupid sh*ty furniture and throwing up. So, as I kicked them off, I put my feet up on the coffee table. And guess what...the booties from the Cat scan place were STILL on. So, I decided rather than go into shock, I would look at it this way...

I FINALLY GOT HOUSE SHOES.

"SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO WALK A MILE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE SHOES TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE"

PEACE.